This is one of those posts where I sat down and starting typing. The result is a big rambling mess of all the thoughts I’ve been thinking lately. I wanted to delete the negative parts, but I also want to be real. This way too long post ends up on a much happier note!
I also want to say that I am praying for the families victims of the shooting in DC yesterday. I’m also praying for those affected by the floods in Colorado. So many people are in my thoughts and prayers as they face difficulties and trials of their own.
I’ve had approximately 35 regular size vials of blood and 3 large size vials of blood drawn since August 26. That number may be a little short because at some point you just have to stop looking at the stack of accumulating test tubes. I find myself sucking in my tummy every time I walk in the waiting room of my OB’s office in an attempt to avoid the dreaded “when are you due?” question. Even though I’m six pounds lighter, I know I still have a lot of cushion left that could make people wonder.
Waiting is a fact of life right now. Waiting for test results. Waiting for appointments. Waiting for lines to appear on test strips. Waiting leaves plenty of time for thinking. Sometimes it’s too much time. The waiting can drive you crazy if you aren’t careful.
Since posting about everything last week, I’ve worried about whether or not I did the right thing. I’ve worried that I’ll look like I’m just seeking attention. I’ve worried that I’m making a big deal out of what will hopefully turn out to be nothing. We didn’t really tell people when we started trying. I had posted before about our desire to adopt. That is something we still very much have a heart for. I didn’t want to confuse the issue by mentioning our desire to try to get pregnant. I hate even making a distinction between the two ways we pray children will join our family. Biological or adopted, those babies will be ours. I was prepared for adoption being a long, hard process. I was not prepared for it to be hard for us to get pregnant as well.
It would be very easy for me to get caught up in all the negative right now. Most days I feel like hiding. Tears flow freely. I’m an emotional person even when things are wonderful, but this takes things to a whole new level. This complaining, negative, sad person I see myself in danger of becoming is not who I want to be. My prayer is that I will handle myself with grace and grow to become an encouragement and resource to someone who might be going through similar circumstances.
I’ve cooked and baked a lot of new recipes. I’ve attempted to be crafty. I’ve tried to overcompensate to prove to my family and to myself that I can do everything. I’ve cleaned like crazy. It’s like my domestic tendencies are in overdrive right now. These things are a good distraction technique. It’s time for my Type A personality to kick in and help me deal with things in the way I always have. I know I can do this. I just let myself forget for a while.
This post has been far too depressing for my liking. Let’s look at the good now, shall we? A few paragraphs ago, I said I worried about whether posting about our journey was the right thing to do. Truthfully, I know it was. Since posting, I’ve received so many words of encouragement. Knowing that others are praying for me and knowing that others have been there before has helped me tremendously. Friends, you cannot know just how much the support has meant to me. I’ve felt surrounded by love and so, so uplifted.
Admittedly, I’ve had a trust problem for a long time. I’m learning to lean a little more on my Heavenly Father each day. It’s getting easier to see the blessings that will come from all this. I believe in His Word. I believe what He says about trials making us stronger. Already, I feel my faith getting stronger. I said I know I can do this, but I know that I can only do this with His help and the love, support, and prayers of others. Thankfully, I have all of these things.
I’ve got work to do. I’ve got documents to write and release at work. I’ve got friends to spend time with and family to visit. I’ve got a husband who I love so much to continue to grow with. There’s so much I have, and I am so thankful. Yesterday I woke up feeling more optimistic than I have in months. I’m a work in progress, and each day brings more learning and growing.
Everything is going to be okay!